The tide slides in and rolls out, calmly, gently

The water glistening, as there she walks along the shore

Her simplicity, her beauty, sparkling even brighter, I know there’s more

She has this mood, that attitude

She knows she would, that she could, why she should

Her vices become her verses

Her magic gives way to curses

She sinks men to their knees with just her ask of please

Can she be captured, enraptured? Such is her way,

Don’t know, as she is

Hiding behind the screen of life.

Like water, she is free; she’s a seashell, a natural beauty formed by nature

Pick her up, hold her close and you can hear the sound of the sea

Connect with her and she shares the movement of the water

And she flows with a rhythm unknown

As in sea, she is cold at first touch, but envelope yourself with her and you become one, your temperatures become the same, all is at peace.

She inhales your breath, you exhale your soul and we are one.

A lady of the water, creating jewels from the sand with the sleight of her hand

And like the sea, her calm can give way to storm only to form

A passion untold, with no end in sight.

One needs to grab on and hold tight, dismiss the fright

This child of the water, she crests like the waves, so one need be brave

To explore the patina of Cristina.

It was only yesterday you appeared to me
But you were the essence of quintessence
A dainty cherub, with a sparkle in your eyes
Filled my own with rivers of tears

As you grow, your beauty amazes
Your passion and warmth and laughter engages
That infectious persona touches those who you cross
Which will be etched for many many years

Your future will glow as bright as the sun
Brilliance will forever radiate
Dream large. Embrace all you can.
Do live, don’t just exist.
Don’t just touch the surface, feel the moment.
Hear well, but listen better.
And don’t just see. Observe with passion.

Mark today as another beginning
There are many chapters to write in the days to come
Which you will author in your own fashion
And know my love shall forever bound

Walking aimlessly down a path
Seems like I know what’s in store
Twists and turns become a mirror
Of what has only come before

Everybody just goes along
Feeling the joys and grief it brings
It’s just one chapter in the book
It’s just one song that we sing

You can turn the pages quickly
Or then do it quite so slow
But do what you do, as long as you turn them
As the chapters go

When your light is dark
And you need to see
Rely on a friend
Bring clarity to mystery

Stay in a place ever too long
Imagination could never be strong
Get out of the zone becoming a crutch
You hurt and hurt way too much
Embrace a hug, smother a kiss
Stop to think what one has missed

Time is passing, another chapter read
Becomes just history, a passage met
So fill this life with stories to come
And the endings not written yet

So you can turn the pages quickly
Or dwell on those that are slow
But do what you do, as long as you turn
Let the chapters flow

I have a couple of German shepherds, adopting them at eight weeks old. Now two, they at times have been a bane of my existence. Ripping cushions in the form of play, leaving “accidents” occasionally, and taking off on a stroll to who knows where, necessitating calls to authorities about lost dogs. But in the end, they do give back a hundredfold in terms of affection and company and a sense of calm as they nestle by your feet as you read, just wanting to touch.

So what would it be like to be a dog? And how does it compare with us refined hominids? Well, the same mental faculties don’t exist. You won’t see a dog working a spreadsheet, composing a novel, or preparing a dinner for eight. Driving, I don’t think so. One might say that a dog has an inferior existence to man. But let’s really think about it. Of course, this is coming from someone whose wiring is a bit off.

First off, you can sleep anywhere. You don’t have to think about what you will wear everyday. You are always satisfied with the same meal. You bathe irregularly. You are generally always warm. Your schedule is your own. And if adopted by the right person, pretty much most things are done for you with kindness and affection.

Your day consists of sleeping and eating, shitting and exercising. No commuting, or cellphones, or emails. While you may have moods, they are ephemeral. It doesn’t matter if your master is white or black, yellow or red, green or blue, you love them unconditionally. And it doesn’t matter what the other dogs around are, whether another German shepherd, or a poodle, a dachshund, a lab or a lap dog. You just think “I’m a dog, you’re a dog, let’s play”. What a concept.

Imagine a human having the same approach. Being flexible and accommodating in every environment. Not caring about what others think about how you look. Always feeling that you are not without as you have no expectations. You live for the moment, the past is the past. No external interruption besides nature itself. Being able and willing to engage with all colors and creeds and sizes. But most of all, having the ability to love unconditionally, thru good times and bad, as you dismiss the accoutrements of your surroundings or lack thereof. It doesnt matter what you have or what you want, you love your companion, and can show it, without speaking the words, “I love you”. No need for the merits or vagaries of language. You show it and you mean it. And it is received just as intended. Very simple and in many ways, very elegant.

Reverting back, the human mind is a gift. The ability to cogitate and analyze, to ideate and to dream is a wonder, which separates us from other species. But there is the dark side too. It can create much discontent, affecting performance and energy, disrupting relationships, and really undermining someone’s raison d’etre or even life itself. And then you look at your dog. Living large and happy on the most basic elements in life. The greatest being the expression of love.

There is a saying, “it’s a dog’s life”, which dates back to the sixteenth century. It generally meant a life of misery or of miserable subservience. You know what, when you stop and think about a dog’s life, it actually sounds pretty good.

My last few months have been a roller coaster, with the track having much longer and faster down slopes and an occasional flatness. It has been amazing that there hasn’t been a rising track for sometime. Until maybe the last few days. Earlier in the week, I found myself in urgent care at the med center. Not for a physical malady, rather the (mental) downer I was on excessively disturbed me, so thus I sought assistance. While I was frustrated at the wait to see a doc, and a bit tired from not sleeping for about seven days, I had an epiphany seeing so many others that seemed to have many more issues than me. Flashed me back to years ago with some of my charity work. Spent a lot of time with the physically and mentally handicapped. Both the here and now, and the back then, one (me) fails to remember that while one has full capability of his faculties, others have real challenges, many times extremely severe. A good wake up call, as I was in a very down state, but seeing and remembering, made me realize that I am one of the fortunate. While I do know that the little charges in my head don’t work right, which causes in large part my depression, it is a amazing what a dose of another reality can do to change a view, a mood, an attitude, even if for only a moment. Across the waiting room, I saw a father concerned for his son, sitting next to him. They seemed to be having a conversation, not about what was ailing his son. Rather, about the book his father was reading. The Secret. Recall the “new age” bible of some years back. I remember giving a copy or two out as Christmas presents, one to my ex-wife, the year it came out. After she read it, I ended up borrowing it. Again, many years back. Guess I never returned it.

Anyway, since I had it, I pulled it out of the bookshelves and begin a re-read. Funny how something you read at a particular time, can just grab you, shake you up, and bring some clarity to obfuscation. The essence of the book is that the nature of the energy and thought we put out there which comes back the same way, creating a domino effect….the Secret is the law of attraction….send out bad vibes, you get more coming at you, and for a depressive, that’s not good, possibly lethal. Send out good vibes, wishing for what you want and where you want to be, rather than dwelling on what you don’t have and where you are. Sending good energy attracts good energy back to you. New age-y right.

Anecdotally, studying a bit about quantum physics (right…), I remembered a little exercise my feng shui advisor showed me, by placing a pendulum over one of my palms, the pendulum moved in a circular fashion. Moved it to the other palm, it swung back and forth like a metronome. Then flipping my hands over and allowing the pendulum to move (on its own), the opposite action occured, namely the palm that created the circular motion and now on the backhand, it was moving back and forth, like the other palm. Even the most feeble mind can wonder about this. Something was causing the movement, and it wasn’t the inanimate pendulum. I was emitting something to manifest the movement. But not one movement but two distinct movements. My advisor said that we emit energy, causing things to happen around us. And as we emit it we also receive. And in different types and ways.

And then take it back to the Secret. I guess it’s not just the quantity of the energy that radiates, but also the quality. Certainly I believe we cast of some type of energy field, but can it be right that if I send out something it will attract something back of similar nature? Whether right or wrong, there is a bit of logic here. But I am convinced we do have an energy that we exude. In fact, my kids demonstrated the exercise for their science classes.

This is definitely not an endorsement of a book, or even of the psyche ward. It became another epiphany. Could I change the domino downer by shifting my thoughts to what I dream for in the future, rather than dwell in the doldrums of my mind about the past and present? And those thoughts and vibes attract the same type of energy, so good stuff (love, happiness, health, wealth, etc) comes back my way? Well, it was worth a try but not easy for someone who has seen, in fact lived, in a glass half empty.

So I thought of what I desired and, as suggested in the book, visualized it as though you have it, it is there, you can embrace it, whatever it may be. Maybe simple, but thru the nite, I wanted two people to call me on the phone, whom I have been trying to reach for months, having left growingly frustrated messages. But with good mental intentions that evening, I envisaged having the most delightful conversation with both the following day. Next morning, the phone rings…twice. Back to back, after months, both folks called, and yes the calls were great. Circumstantial? Curious? Coincidental? Possibly. But very weird. Mind over matter? You tell me.

But there is something to be said about thinking and wishing forward, underscore wishing, rather than thinking and sinking into continued and deeper shit. Maybe a bit idealistic, reckless, frothy, trippy, yet certainly healthier than the flip side. I know the downer causes further downers, and seems like everything just steamrolls in the same direction. So let’s reverse the conditions, at least in one’s mind. And then the energy field thing … thank you, feng shui, for showing me.

So, as I finished the book in a single sitting, I concluded that there was a reason that the father son team in waiting room had the book and I just happened to notice it. Maybe coincidental, but for this particular mind, it became like a touch of magic, or good energy, to grasp on to. Even if this is a mere temporary upper, I will enjoy it (and believe it ) as I can.

they say a moment, a day , a year, a lifetime can be bestowed in amber
But elected moments find your emotions just
Preserved in anger

She said that she would and sure she could and yes she should
Said i incurred the hurt
such a jaded man
i took her soul which made her whole
And though I take your soul with no remorse
The lack of you makes me
Lonely
And that angers me to the enth degree
I am angered
I angered in a world i don’t know
I’m just preserved in anger

my mind is not right, the thought of you in the distance
My heart is chastised , aching with desperate pangs of pain
You said you cared, you bared you stared at me but with a blank look
As if what we had was nothing but looking in a mirror and seeing no reflection
You leave me without answers without response, without a goodbye
you leave me Confused while preserved in anger

Chapters are turning, with new days in front
Remove from me the thought of her
Her feckless soul her naked sense her duplicity
She left me preserved in anger
But I shall go on

What’s it like to be severely depressed, at times wishing for your own demise, and then finding yourself in a horrific accident, which by all accounts should have been fatal? Yet however you just walk away. In one respect, you feel quite fortunate to have survived, particularly when the authorities who arrived at the scene ask where’s the body and ready to call the morgue.

So you survived. Normally, one would ask yourself “why?” and say a prayer of thanks. But given the earlier predisposition, you may actually be asking “why not?”. Why didn’t the crash put an end to the misery? It would have been so unexpected, so spontaneous, so natural. But no. You walk to live another day. And the mere scrape, the only personal evidence of the accident, besides of course the vestiges of what used to be an auto, causes reflection, and in some respects disappointment. Now that’s a fucked up attitude.

Now here you sit and wonder, and postulate, and analyze and imagine. Those that saw the remnants of the vehicle, listening to the tale of a drive off a cliff, falling hundreds of feet, could only comment in unison that it was meant to be and that you are now this living breathing unscarred being who is intended to do something special on earth. You have survived. You have escaped mortality. You are here for a purpose.

For someone who has had the demons, at times wishing for an end, it’s quite the conundrum to now have a new chapter or three to write about what life has to offer. It is confusing yet rewarding, disappointing yet invigorating, and throughout definitely spiritual. Who would script such an ineffable story? Probably someone who creates meaning with a stroke of his pen, or possibly someone with a very sordid sense of humor. Either way, another chapter begins.

Sometimes in life there are moments one needs to be consoled. Life’s chapters seem to ebb and flow and not always in your favor. Trying to contemplate or resolve the issues or even the demons can be overoverwhelming. If you only have someone close to you. You sit and think, you feel and invoke. My family, who I love dearly, is remote, schools and homes miles and miles away. Yes they provide solace the mere thought of them, yet they are not here. Closest friends growing up, high school and college classmates, business colleagues, who you collectively shared your inner soul and so much more, just reflecting provides a level of warmth, or just hearing their voices on the phone (hopefully not text or email). Reaching out, while good, suggest that you’re in search of someone reaching back…hopefully and in the same manner as you. But those are so typical, and envisioned as consoling. But then there are other moments that can be ever more special and rewarding, calming the soul and warming the heart and that is when the consoling is actually here and now, physically present, where a hug or physical touch is the the preferred prespcription. When you can see and feel the consoled, words are not necessary. A hug or a wink, a touch or a kiss on the cheek by someone who is sheerly a mere proximate, at a time of consolation. I have been blessed with a console who was proximate at a time of a harrowing experience. Yes, it would have been nice to see my brother, sister, kids, even close friends as I remove myself from the carnage of a crash. And then she was there; no words could have described the sense of calmness with the first hug, and hearing that it was good to have me alive.

Being close to someone can mean so many things and I don’t believe we play enough emphasis on the power of proximity. The ability to touch and be felt, to hear the sound you deeply listen too, to see the clarity of your vision, all incredibly enhanced by the proximity of the person. I could not have asked for more during the ordeal. Consolation in 3-d, high def, with the wind blowing and the warmth of a hug, blended with sweet words. Not to echo the famous CSNY song “love the one you’re with”‘ but there are moments of magic and yes consolation, being at the place of your consoler. I do honor my consoler, whom made my moment of challenge, more bearable and placed me at ease. She has been and truly is a special one in my heart…for being there. My dearest, much love for being there.

It’s not believing the magic. It’s living the magic. Look behind the scenes. Hear what the deaf hear. See what the blind raise a brow for. Touch a moment with a finger. Absorb the moment like a sponge. Make the magic your reality. And dream. Life is a condition while magic is an attainment.