Ten years ago

Ten

 years

 ago,

 I thought

 I had

 a

 future looking

 forward

Ten years

 hence,

 I have

 seen

 a

 wasted

 decade

Creativity

 flowed,

 family

 and

 friends

 filled

 the

 room

 and

 filled

 my

 heart,

Just

 ten

 years

 ago.

Really

 don’t know

 what

 happened

Seemed

 to

 have

 fallen

 off

 the

 grid

My

 connectivity

 to

 society

 short-­‐circuited.

Lost

 in

 a

 mesmerizing mettle

 of

 dissolution,

 disgust

 and

 despair

Lost

 the

 fight,

 lost

 the

 direction,

 lost

 the

 mission

And

 what’s worse

 than

 everything,

 is

 that

 I don’t

 know how

 to

 begin

 again

Digging

 deep

 in

 my

 soul,

 I dwell

 on

 demons

 and

 deficiencies,

 desperate

 for

 someone

 or

 something

 to

 

hang

 onto.

My

 leadership

 of

 myself

 has

 given

 way

 to

 a

 no

 confidence

 vote.

In

 my

 head,

 the

 synapses

 still

 fire,

 but

 the

 anguish

 of

 not

 failures,

 but

 rather

 lack

 of

 successes,

 envelope

 

me

 and

 cast

 me

 into

 a

 catatonic

 state,

 immobile

 and

 watching

 the

 world

 go

 by.

 

 Motivation

 is

 lost.

 

 

Embarrassment is

 rampant.

I

 listen

 to

 my

 heartbeat.

 It

 pounds

 at

 time.

 It

 tightens

 up

 at

 moments.

 It

 races.

 

 I

 pray

 at

 times

 it

 just

 

fades

 and

 fades,

 slowly

 and

 quietly,

 and

 then stops.

I

 find

 myself

 removed

 from

 the

 reality

 I watch

 go

 by.

 

 Cathartic,

 I find

 writing

 a

 release,

 an

 ascetic

 poetic.

 

 

This

 life

 I have

 known

 for

 ten

 years

 has

 been

 lonely

 beyond

 reproach,

 beyond

 imagination,

 indelibly

 

etching

 a

 callousness,

 a

 numbing,

 an

 anasthetic

 on

 emotions

 except

 those

 that

 are

 sheer

 negativity.

I

 reflect

 back

 constantly,

 not

 pleased

 with

 what

 I have

 done

 or

 accomplished,

 and

 yet,

 even

 the

 

occasional

 fire

 within,

 it is

 doused

 with

 self-­‐doubt and

 fatigue.

 

 And

 then

 the

 loneliness

 prevails.

 

 When

 

youre

 down,

 it

 is

 nice

 to

 have

 someone

 pick

 you

 up,

 dust

 you

 off,

 and

 pat

 your

 back,

 before

 going

 back

 

in

 the

 ring.

 

 

 When

 you

 are

 lonely, and

 yes,

 depressed,

 you

 find

 there

 is

 no

 one

 to

 support

 the

 downer

 

except

 yourself.

 

 Increasingly

 difficult

 if

 one’s attitude

 grazes

 the

 depths.

So

 how

 do

 you

 break

 out

 of

 maelstrom?

How

 do

 you

 leave

 behind

 the

 darkness?

How

 do

 you

 get

 your

 life

 back

 on

 track?

At

 this

 point

 in

 life,

 though

 one

 can

 ask

 question

 after

 question,

 I receive

 no

 answers,

 prayers

 are

 not

 

responded

 to,

 and

 wishes

 are

 only

 wasted

 energy.

 

 Everything

 in

 life

 is

 a

 defeat,

 and

 that’s as

 I watch

 

others

 continue

 to

 win.

 

 

 Heartbreaking,

 heart

 wrenching,

 exhausting.

 

 

 Just

 no

 fun.

 

 And

 lost.

 

 

I

 wish

 for

 those

 ten

 years

 back