Ten
years
ago,
I thought
I had
a
future looking
forward
Ten years
hence,
I have
seen
a
wasted
decade
Creativity
flowed,
family
and
friends
filled
the
room
and
filled
my
heart,
Just
ten
years
ago.
Really
don’t know
what
happened
Seemed
to
have
fallen
off
the
grid
My
connectivity
to
society
short-‐circuited.
Lost
in
a
mesmerizing mettle
of
dissolution,
disgust
and
despair
Lost
the
fight,
lost
the
direction,
lost
the
mission
And
what’s worse
than
everything,
is
that
I don’t
know how
to
begin
again
Digging
deep
in
my
soul,
I dwell
on
demons
and
deficiencies,
desperate
for
someone
or
something
to
hang
onto.
My
leadership
of
myself
has
given
way
to
a
no
confidence
vote.
In
my
head,
the
synapses
still
fire,
but
the
anguish
of
not
failures,
but
rather
lack
of
successes,
envelope
me
and
cast
me
into
a
catatonic
state,
immobile
and
watching
the
world
go
by.
Motivation
is
lost.
Embarrassment is
rampant.
I
listen
to
my
heartbeat.
It
pounds
at
time.
It
tightens
up
at
moments.
It
races.
I
pray
at
times
it
just
fades
and
fades,
slowly
and
quietly,
and
then stops.
I
find
myself
removed
from
the
reality
I watch
go
by.
Cathartic,
I find
writing
a
release,
an
ascetic
poetic.
This
life
I have
known
for
ten
years
has
been
lonely
beyond
reproach,
beyond
imagination,
indelibly
etching
a
callousness,
a
numbing,
an
anasthetic
on
emotions
except
those
that
are
sheer
negativity.
I
reflect
back
constantly,
not
pleased
with
what
I have
done
or
accomplished,
and
yet,
even
the
occasional
fire
within,
it is
doused
with
self-‐doubt and
fatigue.
And
then
the
loneliness
prevails.
When
youre
down,
it
is
nice
to
have
someone
pick
you
up,
dust
you
off,
and
pat
your
back,
before
going
back
in
the
ring.
When
you
are
lonely, and
yes,
depressed,
you
find
there
is
no
one
to
support
the
downer
except
yourself.
Increasingly
difficult
if
one’s attitude
grazes
the
depths.
So
how
do
you
break
out
of
maelstrom?
How
do
you
leave
behind
the
darkness?
How
do
you
get
your
life
back
on
track?
At
this
point
in
life,
though
one
can
ask
question
after
question,
I receive
no
answers,
prayers
are
not
responded
to,
and
wishes
are
only
wasted
energy.
Everything
in
life
is
a
defeat,
and
that’s as
I watch
others
continue
to
win.
Heartbreaking,
heart
wrenching,
exhausting.
Just
no
fun.
And
lost.
I
wish
for
those
ten
years
back
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